On the strange occasion of a pandemic

I am purposefully taking the day off from work to process things clearly in my mind. Since the pandemic happened, in Vietnam about 2 months ago, many things happened and many thoughts crossed my mind and I have witnessed many occurrences, some are saddening, frightening and some are uplifting and life-affirming. The usual qualities of life in general got exponentially magnified in a time of emergency.

Once in a life time (hopefully) the whole world somehow get shut down and closed off. All activities slow down and the street are empty. All entertainments and luxuries need to be curbed. And you know what? I am really ok with that. I think it is necessary for people to have quiet down time to think and reflect in general and especially helpful in time like this. All of the fringes can be taken out of life and there it shows the bare bone of this world. Somebody on Twitter said after everything was closed she just realized that she has no hobbies and was just going out and spending money meaninglessly.

When I first start typing this my company still (damn I couldn't finish one sentence in 2 days!) went to work as normal. Now the company is already under WFH mode. The situation is very fluid and I guess quick acceptance and adaption would do us good. No need to overthink things.

I started this thread on Friday in an attempt to process my emotions and thoughts of the last month! with everything that have happened. And it is already Sunday and I haven’t managed to finish anything. My mind has been wondering with all the distractions that happened in the house and also the fact that this fucking desk is small and my wireless keyboard is broken so I have to use my laptop keyboard which is annoying because it is sticky for no fucking reason. duh!! I wonder whether that is because I have been using the company laptop with Window for some time now, using Mac is not that salient for me anymore which is also annoying because I like my Mac. And why the fuck is my keyboard sticky???

Do I need to go out? Do I? Do I need to buy something to satisfy my dopamine crave? Will I be more productive and focused and less distracted and less annoyed if I go out to Starbucks and sit there? I feel a restless energy in my body like there are a lot of energy that is trapped inside, seem to be befitting for Aries season. Restless because I have much energy but is not utilized/expressed and cause me to be restless. I wonder how I can channel this energy into doing something useful and good for me. I suspect that this energy will be like this for this whole month when the Sun is in Aries. This also correspond with my 8th house of Transformation and Sexual energy so please do channel this energy into the right place!

Ok, now what is it about the last week (March 16th to March 22) that I should reflect on? I finally sit down and do this weekly review again after 2 months of neglecting it, which is ugh but then well. I did find doing a weekly review is a good routine that help me relieve my almost always overwhelmed mind and put more meaning to my weeks which pass by so fast now that I am older. I think a week is an optimal time interval for review at this stage in my routine like what I told Kim last Sunday.

To be honest I cant remember what happened on Monday that is worth reflecting on? So in no specific order:

• My boss saw me writing in my notebook and complimented my handwriting and to that I said thank you and yes I do have nice handwriting. What I had wanted to say at that moment in response to him saying I was writing my deep thoughts and feelings out is that “to gain clarity” which is all it ever be about. Nevertheless, what I want and need to do for myself.
• On Friday one of my staff once again took off without informing me or my boss even though he is in an ongoing project. I dont know whether I should be mad anymore but to be honest I dont care to be mad anymore. What I noticed is however my interaction with my boss when he was kinda freaked out and called me on the matter. I was mad but then I maintained the calmness in my voice and my attitude and I was also open to work on my day off if need to. It is not about my boss but more about me. That I dont feel too heavy and burdened and annoyed about things like that. It helps with my mood and feelings and wellbeing in general. Make me remember what I told Kim last Sunday that I want to be more joyful. Even though life has been good but I always feel burdened and too serious and heavy. My aim this year is to be more joyful and light in my heart. What Saturn wants me to do I will try to do but I will maintain the joy in my heart. Life doesn't have to be a burden even with all the challenges. I keep remembering that one song “Summer Snow” by Sissel. There is a verse that says:

“Today is over with a million tears. Still everyone has a wish to live”

• Every time I stand up for myself and voice my opinion, I get stronger and get reaffirmed and less anxious. Every time that I betray myself by giving in to other people and the situation, I get more anxious about social discomfort and friction. I always feel like a relief after telling my roommate to lower the noise they are making so yeah. I know eventually after this pandemic I would move out to live alone but that is not fast enough but still.
• I have been watching a lot of journaling, productivity and philosophies Youtube lately and I feel motivated and energized to start implementing those tips in my life so that I get better as a person and achieve more meaningful things for myself and my vision of life. Journaling for growth instead of wondering mindlessly in my mind. Employing philosophies to live a better life and handle my emotions and thoughts better. Disciplining myself (duh). Working on my traumas and conditions to be freer. I did notice that when I write my tasks down I have higher chance to achieve them since there is this voice nagging in my mind about this unchecked task. Those productivity gurus are not lying, it actually helps to have clarity about what, when, how and why when it comes to finishing tasks and preventing procrastination. So dont hesitate to write down whatever is on your mind to gain great clarity. I am currently writing in this shabby (compared to other notebooks of mine) notebook to clear out all the hesitation and perfectionism that hinder me from achieve these tasks. Somehow writing in nice notebooks is so pressuring!
• I feel the restless energy of having a more productive routine. The need to be strategic about every single aspects in my life like the content I consume and such but then also this laziness and just want to lie low until this is over. Weird. Like what can happen if I dont do these things that are good for me in the long term? Because the consequence is not immediate enough. What would I rather be? I need to make the consequence of not committing to a long term achievement more immediate so that I can focus on what is essential for me.
• The other day Linh said she doesnt want to find happiness/satisfaction in foods and drinks anymore. It is very good. That is the dopamine addiction.
• damn, in a heated moment I tore my magic keyboard open and now it is even more pathetic lol =_= But then on a second thought, it was brave and curious of me. Remind me of all these times I tried to figure out how technology worked since I was small.